food

ADVICE FOR THE ONCOMING HORDE: SURVIVING AS A ZOMBIE

While many books exist to get you into what remains of the minds of zombies, most practical guides are made for Preppers. That’s just discrimination, people. Luckily, there’s a handful of intrepid authors who can help you survive in the new Undead World.

eaters1. The Brain Eater’s Bible: Sound Advice for the Newly Reanimated Zombie, by Pat Kilbane and J.D. McGhoul

Have you read Max Brooks’s best-selling and infamous “The Zombie Survival Guide”? Did it leave you unsatisfied because of your actual chances of survival? Here’s what Barnes & Noble.com says of the book: “Your body is numb and your memory is foggy.  Someone tried to give you medical attention, but you repaid their kindness by savagely killing them and eating their brains.  You are a zombie my friend, just like me.  Though most zombies are slow and stupid, the fact that you are reading this tells me that you are different.  Some of us are.  Welcome to the PACE virus apocalypse.

zen2. The Zen of Zombie: Better Living Through the Undead (Zen of Zombie Series), by Scott Kenemore

This post-Z self-help book is described by one reader: “This book discussed the 24 habits of highly effective zombies (which are the only kind there is), which include such genuine gems as this: be adaptable, be your own boss, remember its just stuff, and digging a grave? You’ve got it made!”

newlyundead3. So Now You’re a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead, by John Austin
Amazon.com says of this practical self-help guide and intro to being Undead: “Being undead can be disorienting. Your arms and other appendages tend to rot and fall off. It’s difficult to communicate with a vocabulary limited to moans and gurgles. And that smell! (Yes, it’s you.) But most of all, you must constantly find and ingest human brains. Braaaains!!!
What’s a zombie to do?
Thankfully, zombiologist John Austin details everything you need to know, as a newly undead soul, to hunt, fight, and feed on the living. As the first handbook written specifically for the undead, So Now You’re a Zombie explains how you ended up in this predicament, the stages of zombification, and what you need to survive in this zombiphobic world.”

cookbook4. The Zombie Cookbook, from Damnation Books

This mix of short stories, recipes, and poetry will get you in the mood for upcoming Plague. Quotes, per Damnation’s website:

  • Eating half now and half for breakfast shouldn’t ruin the diet.
  • That explains the overly seasoned dinners.
    • Eating humans is hazardous to my health.

zeo5. Z.E.O.: How to Get A(Head) in Business (Zen of Zombie Series), by Scott Kenemore
Another in the Zen of Zombie series, this book will help you not only survive as the undead, but become the “Head” of your horde!

Zombies Do It Raw

raw-beef

Do you plan to become a zombie, but have a hard time with raw meat? There’s a delicious and classic way to get used to the texture and flavor – steak tartare.

Urban legend contends that steak tartare was invented by the Tatar or Tartar people, a group native Eastern Europe and Russia. The tribe spent so much time fighting and traveling on horseback that they didn’t have time to chop up their meat; instead, they put slabs of meat beneath their saddles for easier transit. The combination of spices in the current version were supposedly spices used to cover the flavor of rancid meat and horse sweat.

However, this legend is only urban myth, as it turns out. Steak tartare was invented in the 19th century in France, and served at posh French restaurants with the name steack a l’Americaine. Initially, the dish had tartar sauce or horseradish on the side, and was not served with a raw egg yolk. The name was eventually changed to, simply, steack tartare, which simply means “with tartar sauce.”

Although you could chop up a piece of steak and eat it, the combination of Worchestershire sauce, pepper, onions, and capers makes steak tartare delicious and rich. It’s a great way to get your palate used to the texture and flavor of raw meat, before you become a member of the human-eating undead. Additionally, while most steak tartare recipes call for beef, you can also make it with horse meat, thereby reinacting that scene from the first season of “The Walking Dead.”

"Get the pepper grinder!"
“Get the pepper grinder!”

Here’s a few recipes:

Emeril Lagasse’s Steak Tartare:

Ingredients:
Assorted fresh greens
12 ounces beef tenderloin or sirloin
Worcestershire sauce
Hot pepper sauce
Salt
Black Pepper
2 tablespoons drained capers
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1/3 cup minced red onion
1/3 cup finely chopped parsley
2 eggs
4 slices of white bread, crusts removed, brushed with olive oil and lightly toasted
Extra-virgin olive oil

Directions:

Garnish 2 plates with the fresh greens.

Place the beef on a cutting board and finely chop with a very sharp knife. Season to taste with Worcestershire sauce, hot pepper sauce, salt and black pepper. Shape the meat into 2 patties of equal size and center each on a plate of fresh greens.

Around each meat patty arrange half of the capers, Dijon mustard, red onion and parsley. Carefully break the 2 eggs, reserving the yolk and half of each shell. Place the yolks in their eggshell cups, then sit an egg cup in the center of each patty. Serve the steak tartare with toast points, olive oil, and hot pepper sauce and Worcestershire sauces on the side.

Read more at: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/emeril-lagasse/steak-tartare-recipe/index.html?oc=linkback

steaktartarClassic Steak Tartare

INGREDIENTS

3 medium oil-packed anchovy fillets (optional, adjust salt if added), rinsed and minced

2 teaspoons brined capers, drained and rinsed

3 teaspoons Dijon mustard

2 large egg yolks

10 ounces USDA prime beef tenderloin, cut into small dice, covered, and refrigerated

2 tablespoons finely chopped red onion

2 tablespoons finely chopped Italian parsley leaves

4 teaspoons olive oil

3 dashes hot sauce (such as Tabasco)

4 dashes Worcestershire sauce

3/4 teaspoon crushed chile flakes (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

Combine anchovies (if using), capers, and mustard in a nonreactive bowl. Using a fork or the back of a spoon, mash ingredients until evenly combined; mix in egg yolks.

Use a rubber spatula to fold remaining ingredients into mustard mixture until thoroughly combined. Season well with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Serve immediately with toast points or french fries.

http://www.chow.com/recipes/10983-classic-steak-tartare

DRINK YOUR BRAINS

Delicious Brains Platter

If you’re not interested in eating brains prior to becoming a zombie, you may be able to find an acceptable substitute – alcohol!

There’s a disturbing but awesome shot called the Bloody Brains Shooter, and there’s a couple of different recipes for it.

Variation One:

1 1/4 oz. strawberry vodka

1/8 oz. Rose’s lime juice

3/4 oz. Bailey’s Irish Cream

Splash of grenadine

brainsChill vodka for better smoothness. Add vodka and lime juice to a shaker, shake and strain into a shot glass. Using a straw, dip some Bailey’s Irish Cream into the shot. Once you submerge the straw into the Bailey’s put your finger on top of the straw to hold the Bailey’s in the straw. Dip the straw tip into the vodka and slowly release your top finger. The Bailey’s will curdle a little bit due to the lime juice and you should be able to make strands of Bailey’s.

Repeat the straw/Bailey’s process to build a “brain” in the shot glass. Add a splash of grenadine to the concoction to add the ‘blood’ to the mix. Down the hatch as a shot.

Variation Two:

In shot glass, pour peach schnapps 3/4 of the way; pour irish cream on top (do not layer let it pour straight), add three drops of grenadine – the result looks like a Bloody Brain!

Here’s a video showing off the process:

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS: Try Them Now

Brains Are Served

The first incident in popular culture of zombies eating anything rather than transmitting the Big Z through bites is in George Romero’s 1968 monster classic, Night of the Living Dead. The movie was so pivotal in how we see zombies that the battle cry BRRAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNSSSS can frequently be heard at zombie walks and movie premiers.

In theory, the human mouth isn’t strong enough to get into a skull and dig out the soft, delectable brains. But zombies are known to have superhuman strength, despite their rotting flesh. So getting in there shouldn’t be that hard.

Now, as a somewhat-conscious zombie, you love brains, but you may get tired of eating the same thing several times a week. It’s like eating leftover pizza for three meals a day for a few days – yeah, the extra large seemed like a great idea because you wouldn’t have to go grocery shopping for a week, but after day three of a slice of cheese pizza with coffee, you just don’t feel so hot anymore.

Also, some of you pre-zombie humans may be thinking, “I’ve never eaten offal before. I hear its … awful.” It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. There’s even a recipe that can help get you accustomed to the unique flavor and texture of brains. Brains, in fact, are a part of cuisine all over the world, from canned brains in the Southern US, to classic French dishes, Mexican, Indonesian, Cameroon, Cuban, and Pakistani.

]But there’s one thing preparation humans and zombies alike can get behind.

DEEP-FRIED BRAINS, ZOMBIES! Check this out.

No, seriously, deep fried brains!
No, seriously, deep fried brains!
  • 1 head of garlic, skin on
  • Black peppercorns in a cheesecloth
  • 1 bay leaf
  • bundle of fresh herbs
  • 1 pound brains (lamb, pork, or calf)
  • All purpose flour
  • 2 eggs
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 1 cup panko bread crumbs
  • 1 quart vegetable oil for deep-frying

Procedures

  • Bring a 2 quart pot of water to simmer and add in the garlic, peppercorns, and herbs. Simmer for 15 minutes. Then gently lower the brains into the pot and simmer for 6 minutes. Remove the brains with a slotted spoon and let cool. When the brains are cold and firm, separate the lobes into 2 inch chunks.
  • Meanwhile, prepare 3 bowls with the flour, the egg whisked with milk, and the breadcrumbs.
  • Heat the oil to 350°F. Roll each brain segment in flour, then coat it in the egg mix, then coat it in the breadcrumbs. Deep-fry the brain until they are golden brown and crispy, about 3 minutes.

Or, you could try this one!

Fried Brains

1 calf’s brain per person
1 cup all purpose flour
2 cloves garlic minced
1/2 bunch italian parsley chopped
1 lemon
1/2 stick salted butter
salt and pepper

Pick the blood vessels and film off of the brains and soak in cold water overnight. Change the water every few hours. When they are properly soaked the water will remain clear.
 Blanch in boiling water for two minutes and remove onto a rack to thoroughly drain.

Season with and pepper. Roll through a pan of flour to coat evenly. Melt butter in a skillet on medium high heat. When it is frothy and begins to turn a nut brown color add brains. Sauté until golden brown, constantly basting with butter to evenly brown.

Remove and keep warm. In another skillet melt 3-4 Tablespoons of salted butter and quickly saute parsley and garlic. Remove from heat, squeeze lemon into garlic / parsley mixture, stir, and pour over brains.

Eat, Slay, Love: How To Cook A Steak

how_to_grill_the_perfect_steak

When you become a zombie, brains and flesh will be your sources of food, and you will revel in them. But after a year or two of munching away on Z Plague survivors, you might get a little tired of human muscle tissue and organs, day in and day out.

Learning to cook is just as important to your post-apocalyptic survival as self-defense. You will be able to add variety and interest to your meals without having to drastically change your diet.

Never again.
Never again.

First, you should familiarize yourself with the basic cuts of meat on a cow. These will be similar to the cuts of meat on people.

angusbeefchart
Next, cook up a few steaks. While power stations might run for a few months after the apocalypse, so you could use a stove, you will most likely cook your meat over a fire. Get familiar with open-flame grills.

As a zombie, you eat a lot of raw flesh, so you probably won’t want to cook your steak much beyond rare (although medium rare might be a nice change of pace). A rare steak cooks quickly – it chars on the outside and warms all the way through, but only needs to reach and internal temperature of between 120 and 130 degrees F (50 to 55 degrees C). Medium rare starts to tenderize the flesh with heat, but you don’t want the meat to reach much more than 135 degrees F (57 degrees C) internal temperature. Try these cooking methods out now, and learn to recognize the cook on the meat without using a thermometer. The only way to make this second-nature is to do it a few times.

You may also have access to frying pans after the apocalypse. Cast iron cookware is amazing and sturdy (could make a great breast plate when you’re not using it to cook – stop those Prepper bullets!), and is the best cookware for an open flame.

Seasoning: Some people like to salt and pepper their steaks before cooking. Other cooks recommend against this, because salt brings too much moisture to the surface and could quickly dry out the meat. If you’re not cooking past medium rare, this is less of a problem (the red or pink inside of the steak will maintain a lot of moisture). Additionally, human flesh may well be seasoned already, depending on how long the survivor has been living on junk food. If you find a human living on potato chips, additional seasoning is not recommended; however, if you find a Prepper in the woods, they may have consumed enough plant life to be slightly gamey in flavor, so try adding fresh herbs to enhance the savory-ness.

One of my personal favorite shows, Good Eats, did their very first episode on steak preparation. Take some hints from Alton Brown, then get to the grill!

http://youtu.be/6MxZWsMzTss