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How To Become a Zombie in the Apocalypse

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It’s finally happened, it’s finally here – the Zombie Apocalypse.

Theoretically.

Sorry, I know you got excited, but bear with me. It’s not literally here yet, but you can test your preparedness for becoming a zombie in the soon-to-explode Zombie Apocalypse in a variety of ways.

Lots of articles have been written to help preppers get ready for the upcoming apocalypse, but it will truly be all for naught. Regardless of how prepared you think you are, zombies will eventually be able to overcome even the most well-stocked prepper.

Fortunately, you can use these articles to make sure you become a zombie as fast as possible. If you don’t catch the plague in the first wave, here’s a few tips to help you become a zombie.

1. Sit on your butt all day

The first wave of people to be bitten or eaten will be those that are out of shape. If you practice any sort of aerobic exercise or weight lifting, stop right now. Pick up that bag of Cheetos, get a Netflix subscription, and find yourself as deeply involved in the intricacies of the Star Trek canon as humanly possible. Alternatively, you could mainline McDonalds and spend all day trying to make the zombie POV option in Left 4 Dead 2 work. If you are already stuck at a desk job, then have no fear, because you are well on your way.

Can an Xbox kill a zombie? Let’s get real – nope.

2. Develop an Addiction

Smoking cigarettes and drinking are the obvious choices, but Colorado and Washington state have both recently legalized marijuana. Electric cigarettes are becoming more available and less expensive. A “home crafting/brewing” movement has inspired many to learn to make their own alcohol – at first blush, one might think this hobby makes one a better survivor, but in reality, it just makes alcoholism that much easier.

Some medical studies have shown that carbs, particularly sugar like high fructose corn syrup, are addictive. If you don’t feel like taking up smoking or drinking, you could always indulge in a few extra Krispy Kremes every day.

Peeeeeeeeeeeerfect
Peeeeeeeeeeeerfect

3. Alienate Your Friends

This goes hand-in-hand with “sit on your butt,” but it is an important point to remember. Without a community to worry about your safety, then you won’t be at risk of a rescue. Make sure to get into fights on the Internet as often as possible. Ask your friends to go out for drinks, then stick them with the check. Delete every person you know from Facebook, and follow only famous internet cats. You’ll still be amused, and you will still have the illusion of human interaction through forum arguments and Tumblr updates, but when the end actually comes, no one will be willing to fight with you. You will quickly become a zombie’s meal.

everybody-youve-ever-known-is-dead

4. Check your progress regularly

The online test, “How To Prepare For A Zombie Apocalypse” can give you updates about how well you’re doing becoming zombie fodder. You can also check back at the Shit Zombies Say Blog for updates on how to best prepare for the impending apocalypse.