meat

Zombies Do It Raw

raw-beef

Do you plan to become a zombie, but have a hard time with raw meat? There’s a delicious and classic way to get used to the texture and flavor – steak tartare.

Urban legend contends that steak tartare was invented by the Tatar or Tartar people, a group native Eastern Europe and Russia. The tribe spent so much time fighting and traveling on horseback that they didn’t have time to chop up their meat; instead, they put slabs of meat beneath their saddles for easier transit. The combination of spices in the current version were supposedly spices used to cover the flavor of rancid meat and horse sweat.

However, this legend is only urban myth, as it turns out. Steak tartare was invented in the 19th century in France, and served at posh French restaurants with the name steack a l’Americaine. Initially, the dish had tartar sauce or horseradish on the side, and was not served with a raw egg yolk. The name was eventually changed to, simply, steack tartare, which simply means “with tartar sauce.”

Although you could chop up a piece of steak and eat it, the combination of Worchestershire sauce, pepper, onions, and capers makes steak tartare delicious and rich. It’s a great way to get your palate used to the texture and flavor of raw meat, before you become a member of the human-eating undead. Additionally, while most steak tartare recipes call for beef, you can also make it with horse meat, thereby reinacting that scene from the first season of “The Walking Dead.”

"Get the pepper grinder!"
“Get the pepper grinder!”

Here’s a few recipes:

Emeril Lagasse’s Steak Tartare:

Ingredients:
Assorted fresh greens
12 ounces beef tenderloin or sirloin
Worcestershire sauce
Hot pepper sauce
Salt
Black Pepper
2 tablespoons drained capers
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1/3 cup minced red onion
1/3 cup finely chopped parsley
2 eggs
4 slices of white bread, crusts removed, brushed with olive oil and lightly toasted
Extra-virgin olive oil

Directions:

Garnish 2 plates with the fresh greens.

Place the beef on a cutting board and finely chop with a very sharp knife. Season to taste with Worcestershire sauce, hot pepper sauce, salt and black pepper. Shape the meat into 2 patties of equal size and center each on a plate of fresh greens.

Around each meat patty arrange half of the capers, Dijon mustard, red onion and parsley. Carefully break the 2 eggs, reserving the yolk and half of each shell. Place the yolks in their eggshell cups, then sit an egg cup in the center of each patty. Serve the steak tartare with toast points, olive oil, and hot pepper sauce and Worcestershire sauces on the side.

Read more at: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/emeril-lagasse/steak-tartare-recipe/index.html?oc=linkback

steaktartarClassic Steak Tartare

INGREDIENTS

3 medium oil-packed anchovy fillets (optional, adjust salt if added), rinsed and minced

2 teaspoons brined capers, drained and rinsed

3 teaspoons Dijon mustard

2 large egg yolks

10 ounces USDA prime beef tenderloin, cut into small dice, covered, and refrigerated

2 tablespoons finely chopped red onion

2 tablespoons finely chopped Italian parsley leaves

4 teaspoons olive oil

3 dashes hot sauce (such as Tabasco)

4 dashes Worcestershire sauce

3/4 teaspoon crushed chile flakes (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

Combine anchovies (if using), capers, and mustard in a nonreactive bowl. Using a fork or the back of a spoon, mash ingredients until evenly combined; mix in egg yolks.

Use a rubber spatula to fold remaining ingredients into mustard mixture until thoroughly combined. Season well with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Serve immediately with toast points or french fries.

http://www.chow.com/recipes/10983-classic-steak-tartare

DRINK YOUR BRAINS

Delicious Brains Platter

If you’re not interested in eating brains prior to becoming a zombie, you may be able to find an acceptable substitute – alcohol!

There’s a disturbing but awesome shot called the Bloody Brains Shooter, and there’s a couple of different recipes for it.

Variation One:

1 1/4 oz. strawberry vodka

1/8 oz. Rose’s lime juice

3/4 oz. Bailey’s Irish Cream

Splash of grenadine

brainsChill vodka for better smoothness. Add vodka and lime juice to a shaker, shake and strain into a shot glass. Using a straw, dip some Bailey’s Irish Cream into the shot. Once you submerge the straw into the Bailey’s put your finger on top of the straw to hold the Bailey’s in the straw. Dip the straw tip into the vodka and slowly release your top finger. The Bailey’s will curdle a little bit due to the lime juice and you should be able to make strands of Bailey’s.

Repeat the straw/Bailey’s process to build a “brain” in the shot glass. Add a splash of grenadine to the concoction to add the ‘blood’ to the mix. Down the hatch as a shot.

Variation Two:

In shot glass, pour peach schnapps 3/4 of the way; pour irish cream on top (do not layer let it pour straight), add three drops of grenadine – the result looks like a Bloody Brain!

Here’s a video showing off the process:

Prepare for The Zombiepocalypse on the Bus

The Zombie Apocalypse hasn’t happened yet (we think), but you can experience it in a variety of ways through the magic of your smart phone!

Sit in a park, ride the bus, lay around at home, and become a tech zombie before a biological zombie. It’s great!

Of course, there are classic zombie-centric games for mobiles out there already, like Plants vs. Zombies, and Zombies, Run! But what about games for those of us who plan to become part of the horde after the Big Zed?

Here’s a few free downloadable selections for your brain-craving pleasure:

zombieslive1. Zombies Live, from Storm8Games

The game, per Google Play, works like this: “On a dark night, in a cold morgue, you arise. Not quite dead, but far less than human, you hunger for knowledge about who you were and how you became this way. But the fiercest hunger in your being is for flesh. And, lucky for you, the morgue attendants are coming to check on you.

Start as a lowly zombie, freshly undead and turn yourself into the most powerful crypt lord by bringing in other zombies into your horde and wreaking havoc throughout the city in Zombies Live™.”

The game has 6,395 5-Star reviews, so most people seem to like it. “Like other games by Storm8, this game is an addictive way to pass time,” says one reviewer. Another says, “Great game especially considering its free. Not overbearing with ads. Lots of active players! A must have.” There’s a smattering of bad reviews, mostly complaining about upcharges or the company’s banning policies, but overall, for a game in which you actually become a zombie, it’s a screaming good time!

zombieace2. Zombie Ace, from Hothead Games

The entire point of Zombie Ace, hidden behind its adorable animations, is to spread the plague to unsuspecting Preppers. “These undead pilots guarantee fast service to 14 destinations across the United States of America. When you need to infect the next city fast, trust a Zombie Ace to get you there!”

According to the description on Google Play, the game’s objectives are:

“* Infect the zombie plague across 14 U.S.A. cities
* Choose from 5 different Zombie Ace pilots
* Upgrade your plane with better wings, faster engines and more fuel
* Battle with enemy Jet Fighters, Attack Choppers, Bombers, and Tanks
* Test your skills flying through Lightning Storms or avoiding attacks from Giant Killer Robots and other hazards!
* Complete 100 missions to rank up and earn rewards
* Play Brain Scratcher tickets to win more prizes between flights”

This free game also has almost entirely 5-Star reviews – 5,037, to be exact. One review said, “… Definitely an amazing game. Great fun. After thr recent update its become really stable. Good use of spare time.”

The negative reviews complain about social networking issues, but is that really a surprise with a zombie game? If you’re a zombie without a horde, how far can you really get?

zombiebooth3. ZombieBooth, from MotionPortrait, Inc

Alright, it’s not technically a game, but it’s still a helluva lotta fun. Do you want to know what you’ll look like after rising from the grave and rotting in the open air? Now you’ll know! Always wanted to know what friends and family, even your pug, will look like after the Z-pocalypse? You can find out when they share photos, so you can join up with their horde later!

Per Google Play, here’s some of the app’s features:

“CUSTOMIZABLE 3D ZOMBIES!
– ZombieBooth makes any 2D portrait fully 3D
– Create a huge collection of 3D, animated zombies from photos of you and your friends
– Choose from several zombie variations to pinpoint your undead doppelgänger

YOUR ZOMBIES COME ALIVE
– Zombies will blink, scowl, and breath!
– Hear them growl and frenzy
– They’ll even try to ravage your finger if you get too close!

ZOMBIFY YOUR FRIENDS!
– Capture portraits to zombify on any camera equipped Android
– Share zombie images via Email”

This app has 41,699 5-Star reviews. With a horde that size, how can you go wrong?

All three of these applications are free for download, so there’s no reason not to give them a whirl, and experience the zombie un-lifestyle first-hand.

Extra-Spicy: Zombie Defense Against Mace

zombiespray

When you become a zombie, it will be very important for you to already have several self-defense tactics under your belt. Preppers will have a variety of melee weapons, as well as guns, for at least the first few years, so you’ll need to train up now to be able to duck and cover without thinking later.

An interesting potential weapon will be mace – pepper spray, which many women carry for self-defense anyway, and bear mace, which is an incredibly strong, foam form of mace designed specifically to protect hikers or wilderness explorers from angry bears.

bearmace Mace is actually a great weapon for Preppers, because it acts as a deterrent while doing no lasting damage. This means that if a Prepper gets stuck in a horde, (s)he can carve a way out while minimizing the potential of self-inflicted damage. Bear mace also has great range – its designed to deter bears, after all.

From a self-defense standpoint, there really isn’t any great advice for defending yourself against pepper spray or bear mace attacks. You can keep a gas mask strapped to your face starting right now, so that you have it in place after becoming a zombie, but gas masks are heavy. You could train yourself to drop and roll quickly now, so you instinctively do so when confronted with a bear mace-laden Prepper, but dropping to the ground could, depending on your state of decomposition, take out chunks of skin or break bones. You could just hope that some of your juicy rotting flesh washes the spray away.

SONY DSC But wait, fellow zombies! You are not automatically vulnerable to pepper spray or bear mace. Here’s one of the greatest things about being undead: you no longer feel pain.

Sure, losing a limb sucks, and having your head blown off is a game-ender. But your nerve endings probably won’t function anymore, and the connections between your limbs and your brain are breaking down.

Per Zweapons.com: “Bear mace is not effective in temporarily blinding zombies either. Zombies are not dependent on a functioning circulatory system, and typically the blood of the undead congeals to the point where it more closely resembles a gel than a fluid. Since bear mace relies on irritating the blood vessels providing oxygen to the eyeballs, it has absolutely zero effect on a zombie’s ability to search for prey.”

So there you have it, zombiehorde. Pepper spray? It’s the perfect zombie condiment.

zombie_eat_flesh

Eat, Slay, Love: How To Cook A Steak

how_to_grill_the_perfect_steak

When you become a zombie, brains and flesh will be your sources of food, and you will revel in them. But after a year or two of munching away on Z Plague survivors, you might get a little tired of human muscle tissue and organs, day in and day out.

Learning to cook is just as important to your post-apocalyptic survival as self-defense. You will be able to add variety and interest to your meals without having to drastically change your diet.

Never again.
Never again.

First, you should familiarize yourself with the basic cuts of meat on a cow. These will be similar to the cuts of meat on people.

angusbeefchart
Next, cook up a few steaks. While power stations might run for a few months after the apocalypse, so you could use a stove, you will most likely cook your meat over a fire. Get familiar with open-flame grills.

As a zombie, you eat a lot of raw flesh, so you probably won’t want to cook your steak much beyond rare (although medium rare might be a nice change of pace). A rare steak cooks quickly – it chars on the outside and warms all the way through, but only needs to reach and internal temperature of between 120 and 130 degrees F (50 to 55 degrees C). Medium rare starts to tenderize the flesh with heat, but you don’t want the meat to reach much more than 135 degrees F (57 degrees C) internal temperature. Try these cooking methods out now, and learn to recognize the cook on the meat without using a thermometer. The only way to make this second-nature is to do it a few times.

You may also have access to frying pans after the apocalypse. Cast iron cookware is amazing and sturdy (could make a great breast plate when you’re not using it to cook – stop those Prepper bullets!), and is the best cookware for an open flame.

Seasoning: Some people like to salt and pepper their steaks before cooking. Other cooks recommend against this, because salt brings too much moisture to the surface and could quickly dry out the meat. If you’re not cooking past medium rare, this is less of a problem (the red or pink inside of the steak will maintain a lot of moisture). Additionally, human flesh may well be seasoned already, depending on how long the survivor has been living on junk food. If you find a human living on potato chips, additional seasoning is not recommended; however, if you find a Prepper in the woods, they may have consumed enough plant life to be slightly gamey in flavor, so try adding fresh herbs to enhance the savory-ness.

One of my personal favorite shows, Good Eats, did their very first episode on steak preparation. Take some hints from Alton Brown, then get to the grill!

http://youtu.be/6MxZWsMzTss

Escaping zombies in the wilderness: how to find your meat.

I’ve already told you how to find plants to eat.  Plants are a great source of carbohydrates, but as far as protein goes they’re less useful than a penny in Beverly Hills.  To make sure you’re getting all the nutrients you need you’ll want to add meat to your diet when you’re surviving.

This means you’ll need to be able to make fire for cooking in order to kill all the bacteria in the meat you find, otherwise you risk food poisoning.  I’m assuming that you’re already carrying a lighter on you at all times, in case the emergency hits while you’re not at home.  You should also be carrying matches in your survival satchel.  That will make building a fire relatively easy.

The hard part is acquiring meat.  Contrary to what Disney may have taught you, wild animals do not stand out in the middle of a field with big Bambi eyes waiting to be killed.  Wild animals, especially prey species, have evolved a sense of paranoia that make them remarkably difficult to find, let alone kill.  This is compounded by the fact that you probably don’t want to discharge a firearm if you don’t have to, since it would announce your location to every zed in the state.

bambi
I found this image in a folder labeled “Shit that will never, ever happen.”

The first thing you want to do when you’re in the wilderness is walk downhill.  This isn’t just to preserve your stamina, it’s because downhill eventually leads to water, which you need to survive.  Animals also require water to survive, so not only are you looking after yourself, you’re also putting yourself next to potential food sources.

So let’s go with the simple method of satisfying your body’s need for protein first: insects.  Yeah, it sounds gross, but get over yourself.  There are plenty of countries where people eat insects by choice like Peru, Venezuela, Botswana, Thailand, Indonesia, China, Australia, Japan, and Mexico.  You’re here to survive, not to live like a king.  You’re here because the zeds aren’t.  That means that worms, grasshoppers, crickets, ants (all of which can be safely eaten) and all their relatives are your new caviar.  Bugs are readily available and most of them are edible raw, though cooking is always safest.

So let’s talk about cooking them.  If you can find a cooking pot of any sort it is a simple matter to fill it with water, put it over your fire, and start making a stew.  See a worm?  Toss it into the pot and forget about it.  See a roly poly?  Throw it into the pot and forget about it.  By the end of the day you have a stew and you’re still not a zombie.  Count your blessings.

You could also consider fishing.  Be careful about this as bodies of water are generally open, making you much more visible.  Add in all the splashing around and you’re taking a risk by fishing.  But if you think you’re safe, the first thing you need is a rudimentary spear.  Find a downed branch and get to carving.  If you can, make a spear with multiple sharpened tines on the end to give you the best chance to hit a fish.

Once you have your spear, you want to wade into the water no deeper than waist-deep.  You want to have room to swing your spear.  Wait with the spear raised overhead for a fish to come by, slowly move the spear toward the water, and strike.  Remember: water refracts the light, so you’ll actually want to aim lower than your fish if you want the spear to connect.

You could also dig around for bird eggs.  Many birds don’t lay eggs in a nest but rather in a hole in the ground, so as long as you can beat a coyote to them you have dinner.  It’s against the law in most states to eat bird eggs in the wilderness, but the police will either all be zombies or be occupied with the zombie menace, which means those eggs are fair game.

Of course, if you are an experienced hunter and trapper (beyond hunting frozen food in your grocer’s freezer), you should employ all those techniques.  But for most of us, we’ll need to keep things as simple as possible.