zombies

ADVICE FOR THE ONCOMING HORDE: SURVIVING AS A ZOMBIE

While many books exist to get you into what remains of the minds of zombies, most practical guides are made for Preppers. That’s just discrimination, people. Luckily, there’s a handful of intrepid authors who can help you survive in the new Undead World.

eaters1. The Brain Eater’s Bible: Sound Advice for the Newly Reanimated Zombie, by Pat Kilbane and J.D. McGhoul

Have you read Max Brooks’s best-selling and infamous “The Zombie Survival Guide”? Did it leave you unsatisfied because of your actual chances of survival? Here’s what Barnes & Noble.com says of the book: “Your body is numb and your memory is foggy.  Someone tried to give you medical attention, but you repaid their kindness by savagely killing them and eating their brains.  You are a zombie my friend, just like me.  Though most zombies are slow and stupid, the fact that you are reading this tells me that you are different.  Some of us are.  Welcome to the PACE virus apocalypse.

zen2. The Zen of Zombie: Better Living Through the Undead (Zen of Zombie Series), by Scott Kenemore

This post-Z self-help book is described by one reader: “This book discussed the 24 habits of highly effective zombies (which are the only kind there is), which include such genuine gems as this: be adaptable, be your own boss, remember its just stuff, and digging a grave? You’ve got it made!”

newlyundead3. So Now You’re a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead, by John Austin
Amazon.com says of this practical self-help guide and intro to being Undead: “Being undead can be disorienting. Your arms and other appendages tend to rot and fall off. It’s difficult to communicate with a vocabulary limited to moans and gurgles. And that smell! (Yes, it’s you.) But most of all, you must constantly find and ingest human brains. Braaaains!!!
What’s a zombie to do?
Thankfully, zombiologist John Austin details everything you need to know, as a newly undead soul, to hunt, fight, and feed on the living. As the first handbook written specifically for the undead, So Now You’re a Zombie explains how you ended up in this predicament, the stages of zombification, and what you need to survive in this zombiphobic world.”

cookbook4. The Zombie Cookbook, from Damnation Books

This mix of short stories, recipes, and poetry will get you in the mood for upcoming Plague. Quotes, per Damnation’s website:

  • Eating half now and half for breakfast shouldn’t ruin the diet.
  • That explains the overly seasoned dinners.
    • Eating humans is hazardous to my health.

zeo5. Z.E.O.: How to Get A(Head) in Business (Zen of Zombie Series), by Scott Kenemore
Another in the Zen of Zombie series, this book will help you not only survive as the undead, but become the “Head” of your horde!

POETRY APOCALYPSE: BOOKS OF ZOMBIE POEMS

For the more sophisticated member of the undead horde, there’s several books of poetry about zombies to help prepare yourself for rising from the grave.

jack1. Jack and Jill Went Up to Kill: A Book of Zombie Nursery Rhymes, by Michael P. Spradlin and Jeff Weigel

For those parents who want to make sure their children are prepared to become members of the shambling undead, this book of nursery rhymes will catch their ear … and maybe the ears of some Preppers, too!

christmas2. It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Zombies! A Book of Zombie Christmas Carols, by Michael P. Spradlin

Do you love holidays? You may already be part of a horde of shoppers and celebrators, especially around Christmas. Get into the spirit with this book of songs to rouse the smallest of hearts.

haiku3. Zombie Haiku: Good Poetry for Your … Brains, and Dawn of Zombie Haiku, by Ryan Mecum

Both books are from the perspective of the walking dead, in haiku format, documented in journal format.

DIG DEEPER IN THE MIND: MORE ZOMBIE NOVELS

Still looking for more Undead points of view? There’s lots of novels being written from the zombies’ perspective, suggesting more and more people are beginning to realize that they’ll be part of the horde, not the survivors, after the Zombiepocalypse occurs.

brains1. Brains: A Zombie Memoir, by Robin Becker

Amazon.com’s description says: “Subtitled “A Zombie Memoir,” Brains looks at America’s favorite walking-dead flesh-eaters from an audaciously original and deliciously gruesome new perspective. Debut author Robin Becker blazes new ground with this story of former college professor-cum-sentient zombie Jack Barnes, who recounts the tale of the resistance he organized in the wake of the recent zombie apocalypse. World War Z; Shaun of the Dead; Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies… Becker tops them all with Brains—a witty, tasty treat for anyone who every spent a midnight glued to a classic George A. Romero zombie epic!”

This novel received 4 out of 5 stars, so it’s popular with the horde!

breathers2. Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament, by S.G. Browne

Goodreads.com says of the book: “Meet Andy Warner, a recently deceased everyman and newly minted zombie. Resented by his parents, abandoned by his friends, and reviled by a society that no longer considers him human, Andy is having a bit of trouble adjusting to his new existence. But all that changes when he goes to an Undead Anonymous meeting and finds kindred souls in Rita, an impossibly sexy recent suicide with a taste for the formaldehyde in cosmetic products, and Jerry, a twenty-one-year-old car-crash victim with an exposed brain and a penchant for Renaissance pornography. When the group meets a rogue zombie who teaches them the joys of human flesh, things start to get messy, and Andy embarks on a journey of self-discovery that will take him from his casket to the SPCA to a media-driven class-action lawsuit on behalf of the rights of zombies everywhere.”

The book clocks not quite a full 4 out of 5 stars, but one reviewer left a nice poem about the book:

“zombies need love too
we deserve equality
frat boys taste yummy”

lifeless3. The Lifeless: A Zombie Novel, by Lorne Dixon

Amazon.com says of the book: “A school full of kids. A mysterious yellow rain. High school will never be the same. They are outcasts and misfits, teenagers lost on the path to adulthood, living day-to-day inside a high school culture of taunts, humiliation, and isolation. They are the misunderstood, the neglected, and the abused. They are . . . The Lifeless. For them, every school day is a nightmare. But on Monday, October 2nd, they will discover the true meaning of terror. Classes are cut short by news of explosions in the city across the river, part of a series of horrific terrorist attacks that paralyze the nation. But that is only the beginning: amber clouds fill the sky, burning rain pelts down, and the surviving students of Verlaine High learn that their tormentors have mutated into something far worse-reanimated corpses with a primordial instinct for murder. It’s time to stand up to the in-crowd . . . or be consumed by it.”

This book, too, received just shy of 4 out of 5 stars, but most reviewers love the book. The two 1-star reviews suggest that the book is not that creative, but the horde overwhelmingly enjoyed the book.

GET IN MY HEAD: ZOMBIE NOVELS

So many are preparing to survive as humans through the Zombiepocalypse that we often forget how easy it is to catch a disease, trip and fall, or be caught by surprise. Most of us will be zombies when The Big Z finally happens, so it’s important to prepare for that eventuality.

Fortunately, some writers had the foresight to get us into the minds of the Zombie, so to speak. Here’s a list of novels written from the Undead point of view.

trash1. My Life as a White Trash Zombie, by Diana Rowland

The description on Barnes & Noble.com says: “Teenage delinquent Angel Crawford lives with her redneck father in the swamps of southern Louisiana. She’s a high school dropout, addicted to drugs and alcohol, and has a police record a mile long. But when she’s made into a zombie after a car crash, her addictions disappear, except for her all-consuming need to stay “alive”…”

The book received 4.5 out of 5 stars on the site. Reviews from readers say the book is “Unconventional and Entertaining,” “Excellent new series!” and that they “Really hope there’s a second.”  Only one reviewer gave the book 1 star, but provided no text in their review.

warm2. Warm Bodies, by Isaac Marion

Popularized with a movie version, this book tells a delightful story of romance from the point of view of the undead in love. Per Barns & Noble.com: “R is a young man with an existential crisis—he is a zombie. He has no memories, no identity, and no pulse, but he has dreams. His ability to connect with the outside world is limited to a few grunted syllables, but his inner life is deep, full of wonder and longing.

After experiencing a teenage boy’s memories while consuming his brain, R makes an unexpected choice that begins a tense, awkward, and stragely sweet relationship with the victim’s human girlfriend. Julie is a blast of color in the otherwise dreary and gray landscape that surrounds R. His choice to protect her will transform not only R, but his fellow Dead, and perhaps their whole lifeless world.

Scary, funny, and surprisingly poignant, Warm Bodies explores what happens when the cold heart of a zombie is tempted by the warmth of human love.”

The book has an average of 4.5 out of 5 stars as well, with 405 5-star reviews! Now that’s a horde!

memoirs3. Memoirs of the Walking Dead: A Story from the Zombie’s Point of View, by Jason McKinney

According to Amazon.com’s description: “Boy and cat lead dull lives. Boy goes to club, gets sick and dies. His cat dies too. That sucks. Boy and cat wake up dead. Zombie boy meets zombie girl. Zombie cat likes zombie girl. Zombies break up and boy joins the Army. Now unlife is even more interesting. Meet Paul Rierson. He’s a zombie; though don’t let that fool you—Paul’s got a pretty big heart considering he doesn’t have a working one. And though he’s new to the whole un-dead experience, there’s no doubt he’s a pretty thoughtful guy. Sure he craves the taste of living flesh, and there’s that whole being hunted on a daily basis thing—zombie-life is no walk in the park—but when Paul meets Tracey Dobbs, a fellow newbie to the un-dead life, he’s smitten. He also comes to realize that in matters of life and death, perhaps being alive is not all it’s cracked up to be. Oh, and one more thing—dead people rule!”

Customers on Amazon gave this book 4 out of 5 stars, saying the book was a fun read and well-told both sides of the Zombie story.

How To Become a Zombie in the Apocalypse

Graveyard

It’s finally happened, it’s finally here – the Zombie Apocalypse.

Theoretically.

Sorry, I know you got excited, but bear with me. It’s not literally here yet, but you can test your preparedness for becoming a zombie in the soon-to-explode Zombie Apocalypse in a variety of ways.

Lots of articles have been written to help preppers get ready for the upcoming apocalypse, but it will truly be all for naught. Regardless of how prepared you think you are, zombies will eventually be able to overcome even the most well-stocked prepper.

Fortunately, you can use these articles to make sure you become a zombie as fast as possible. If you don’t catch the plague in the first wave, here’s a few tips to help you become a zombie.

1. Sit on your butt all day

The first wave of people to be bitten or eaten will be those that are out of shape. If you practice any sort of aerobic exercise or weight lifting, stop right now. Pick up that bag of Cheetos, get a Netflix subscription, and find yourself as deeply involved in the intricacies of the Star Trek canon as humanly possible. Alternatively, you could mainline McDonalds and spend all day trying to make the zombie POV option in Left 4 Dead 2 work. If you are already stuck at a desk job, then have no fear, because you are well on your way.

Can an Xbox kill a zombie? Let’s get real – nope.

2. Develop an Addiction

Smoking cigarettes and drinking are the obvious choices, but Colorado and Washington state have both recently legalized marijuana. Electric cigarettes are becoming more available and less expensive. A “home crafting/brewing” movement has inspired many to learn to make their own alcohol – at first blush, one might think this hobby makes one a better survivor, but in reality, it just makes alcoholism that much easier.

Some medical studies have shown that carbs, particularly sugar like high fructose corn syrup, are addictive. If you don’t feel like taking up smoking or drinking, you could always indulge in a few extra Krispy Kremes every day.

Peeeeeeeeeeeerfect
Peeeeeeeeeeeerfect

3. Alienate Your Friends

This goes hand-in-hand with “sit on your butt,” but it is an important point to remember. Without a community to worry about your safety, then you won’t be at risk of a rescue. Make sure to get into fights on the Internet as often as possible. Ask your friends to go out for drinks, then stick them with the check. Delete every person you know from Facebook, and follow only famous internet cats. You’ll still be amused, and you will still have the illusion of human interaction through forum arguments and Tumblr updates, but when the end actually comes, no one will be willing to fight with you. You will quickly become a zombie’s meal.

everybody-youve-ever-known-is-dead

4. Check your progress regularly

The online test, “How To Prepare For A Zombie Apocalypse” can give you updates about how well you’re doing becoming zombie fodder. You can also check back at the Shit Zombies Say Blog for updates on how to best prepare for the impending apocalypse.

Preppers Will Dig Their Own Grave: Zombie Defense Against Shovels

bazooka

When you become a zombie, defending yourself against arrogant preppers will not be that hard. Many of these idiots will go for chainsaws, katanas, and shotguns, without being trained at all in their proper use. It won’t take long to make a meal of these morons, although I might warn you about empty calories. (rimshot)

There will be hold-outs, though. These preppers will know how to use guns, distinguish poisonous and edible plants, and will have no problem raiding defunct Lowe’s and Home Depot’s to get the right supplies. These preppers will be hard-earned meals for your zombie horde, but it is still possible.

One of the tools that a good prepper will go after is a shovel. Most people in these pre-Zombiepocalypse days prefer lighter shovels, for snow or automobile emergencies. These shovels look like this:

snow

They have a broad, flat-ish head, but a small handle so the tool easily fits into the trunk of your car. But, as this video demonstrates, these shovels are not made from very tough materials.

The second part of the video, though, is a worry. Your rotting flesh is very susceptible to blows from tougher shovels, or improvised weapons. A larger, heavier shovel with a steel blade is durable, useful, and could be sharpened to create a slicing weapon with incredible reach.

monkspadeThis is not the first time anyone would have thought of this type of weapon, either, so the information is out there. Shaolin Spades or Monk’s Spades were, according to legend, developed by monks that carried spades or shovels with them when traveling. The shovel became a great multipurpose tool – defend yourself against bandits, then bury their bodies when you were through. Over time, the shovel became a more stylized weapon.

There’s also zombie-specific shovels already on sale. Tactical shovels can dig holes, chop wood, and slice through your delicate brain tissue.

You have some options, however. If you happen to be one of the smarter members of your horde, you can watch the preppers and wait until their shovels are destroyed through regular wear and tear. All materials degrade eventually. When they head over to raid the hardware store, you can take them out while they have to use crappier weapons. You can also hang back and wait for other members of your horde to take the preppers out – shovels are still melee weapons, meaning that the prepper has to be within a certain range to actually land a blow. This puts them in immediate physical danger, no matter how good their martial arts or melee weapon.

So there you have it. Take down the dumb preppers first, then the preppers with plastic “emergency” shovels, and by that point, the truly prepared preppers should have worn through one round of good shovel, making them easier targets when they head into town for supplies.

Zombies Do It Raw

raw-beef

Do you plan to become a zombie, but have a hard time with raw meat? There’s a delicious and classic way to get used to the texture and flavor – steak tartare.

Urban legend contends that steak tartare was invented by the Tatar or Tartar people, a group native Eastern Europe and Russia. The tribe spent so much time fighting and traveling on horseback that they didn’t have time to chop up their meat; instead, they put slabs of meat beneath their saddles for easier transit. The combination of spices in the current version were supposedly spices used to cover the flavor of rancid meat and horse sweat.

However, this legend is only urban myth, as it turns out. Steak tartare was invented in the 19th century in France, and served at posh French restaurants with the name steack a l’Americaine. Initially, the dish had tartar sauce or horseradish on the side, and was not served with a raw egg yolk. The name was eventually changed to, simply, steack tartare, which simply means “with tartar sauce.”

Although you could chop up a piece of steak and eat it, the combination of Worchestershire sauce, pepper, onions, and capers makes steak tartare delicious and rich. It’s a great way to get your palate used to the texture and flavor of raw meat, before you become a member of the human-eating undead. Additionally, while most steak tartare recipes call for beef, you can also make it with horse meat, thereby reinacting that scene from the first season of “The Walking Dead.”

"Get the pepper grinder!"
“Get the pepper grinder!”

Here’s a few recipes:

Emeril Lagasse’s Steak Tartare:

Ingredients:
Assorted fresh greens
12 ounces beef tenderloin or sirloin
Worcestershire sauce
Hot pepper sauce
Salt
Black Pepper
2 tablespoons drained capers
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1/3 cup minced red onion
1/3 cup finely chopped parsley
2 eggs
4 slices of white bread, crusts removed, brushed with olive oil and lightly toasted
Extra-virgin olive oil

Directions:

Garnish 2 plates with the fresh greens.

Place the beef on a cutting board and finely chop with a very sharp knife. Season to taste with Worcestershire sauce, hot pepper sauce, salt and black pepper. Shape the meat into 2 patties of equal size and center each on a plate of fresh greens.

Around each meat patty arrange half of the capers, Dijon mustard, red onion and parsley. Carefully break the 2 eggs, reserving the yolk and half of each shell. Place the yolks in their eggshell cups, then sit an egg cup in the center of each patty. Serve the steak tartare with toast points, olive oil, and hot pepper sauce and Worcestershire sauces on the side.

Read more at: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/emeril-lagasse/steak-tartare-recipe/index.html?oc=linkback

steaktartarClassic Steak Tartare

INGREDIENTS

3 medium oil-packed anchovy fillets (optional, adjust salt if added), rinsed and minced

2 teaspoons brined capers, drained and rinsed

3 teaspoons Dijon mustard

2 large egg yolks

10 ounces USDA prime beef tenderloin, cut into small dice, covered, and refrigerated

2 tablespoons finely chopped red onion

2 tablespoons finely chopped Italian parsley leaves

4 teaspoons olive oil

3 dashes hot sauce (such as Tabasco)

4 dashes Worcestershire sauce

3/4 teaspoon crushed chile flakes (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

Combine anchovies (if using), capers, and mustard in a nonreactive bowl. Using a fork or the back of a spoon, mash ingredients until evenly combined; mix in egg yolks.

Use a rubber spatula to fold remaining ingredients into mustard mixture until thoroughly combined. Season well with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Serve immediately with toast points or french fries.

http://www.chow.com/recipes/10983-classic-steak-tartare

Reasons We’re All Screwed: Mind Control

wpid-clockwork_orange_mind_control

On August 27th, the University of Washington reported that they have performed what they believe to be the first, ever, “noninvasive” human-to-human brain interface, which allowed one person to send an electrical signal over the internet to control the hand motions of a fellow researcher.

This is some Voodoo Doll crap, let me tell you.

Per the UW’s article: “Using electrical brain recordings and a form of magnetic stimulation, Rajesh Rao sent a brain signal to Andrea Stocco on the other side of the UW campus, causing Stocco’s finger to move on a keyboard.”

“The Internet was a way to connect computers, and now it can be a way to connect brains,” Stocco said. “We want to take the knowledge of a brain and transmit it directly from brain to brain.”

mind-control-testsMore from the article on how it works: “Rao looked at a computer screen and played a simple video game with his mind. When he was supposed to fire a cannon at a target, he imagined moving his right hand (being careful not to actually move his hand), causing a cursor to hit the “fire” button. Almost instantaneously, Stocco, who wore noise-canceling earbuds and wasn’t looking at a computer screen, involuntarily moved his right index finger to push the space bar on the keyboard in front of him, as if firing the cannon. Stocco compared the feeling of his hand moving involuntarily to that of a nervous tic.”

Currently, the technology does not allow anyone to control your brain without your consent, and it is limited to two people – the Mind Controller and the … Slave? Victim? Submissive?

Here’s the thing: In Voudon practices, the bokor is responsible for bringing a person back from the death with magic to create a zombie slave who will perform physical labor for them. While most of us imagine hordes of zombies when we think about the Big Z now, that’s not necessarily the case. And just because the technology does not allow for nonconsensual mind control at the moment, does not mean that someone won’t try to hack it at the first opportunity (I’m looking at you, Anonymous, and your hacking into webcams in children’s rooms).

Bokors control, on a basic level, the actions of their zombie companions. This technology allows a person to invade another person’s mind and control their physical actions. A simple program could “store” pre-thought actions and broadcast them to multiple people, thus creating a horde of tech zombies.

Not that we’re not tech zombies already.

download

My point is, technology is so ubiquitous, and getting so much more personal (Google Glass, for example) that it doesn’t take a wild stretch of the imagination to foresee that level of mind control in the future.

Suddenly, your crazy uncle that lives in the woods and refuses to even use a telephone or trust the postman doesn’t seem so nuts, right?

We’re screwed.

The Original Zombie Apocalypse: Ancient Cannibals

HannibalLecter2

Cannibals have been all over the news lately. Most notoriously, there was the case of the bath salts-driven face-eater in Florida last year; however, several other cannibalism cases have hit the courtrooms just this year.

First, Alexander Kinyua pleaded guilty on August 19th to killing a family friend and eating the victim’s heart. However, the judge in the case found him not criminally responsible and committed Kinyua to a mental health facility indefinitely.

On August 14th, the case of a man who stabbed his girlfriend and threatened to eat a police officer was routed to a grand jury. While his girlfriend survived the incident, “He made a statement to one of the other officers that he was going to cut her up in little pieces and eat her,” according to a police detective. The suspect described himself as a cannibal.

The United States isn’t the only place with cannibal problems. Sture Bergwell, a Swedish 63-year-old man, was deemed wrongfully imprisoned for the slaying and molestation of a 15-year-old boy, and seven other murders. Bergwell described to authorities that he killed many people, and in at least one case ate parts of his victim. However, in 2008, he retracted his statements, and has finally been released from the psychiatric institution in which he served time.

The post-mortem of a Russian fisherman showed that his two friends ate the victim’s flesh as they traversed the snowy Russian wilderness. Evidence suggests that the fisherman’s companions intentionally killed and ate him.

Generally, humans avoid eating each other. Many stories of cannibalism are linked to either desperation or mental illness. But is there more to this seeming upsurge of feasting on humans?

300x168_82426_ancient-peruvian-burial-site-unearthedAs it turns out, cannibalism has been with the human species for hundreds of thousands of years. “These practices were conducted by Homo antecessor, who inhabited Europe one million years ago,” according to the research team, led by Eudald Carbonell, that conducted the study into suspicious bones found at Homo antecessor sites.

“Cut marks, peeling, and percussion marks show that the corpses of these individuals were processed in keeping with the mimetic mode used with other mammal carcasses: skinning, defleshing, dismembering, evisceration, and periosteum (membrane that lines bones) and marrow extraction,” according to the researchers (emphasis mine).

“Other small-sized animals were processed in the same way,” the scientists wrote. “These data suggest that they (Homo antecessor) practiced gastronomic cannibalism.”

The team added that they ruled out ritualized cannibalism – a feature among the famous Fore people, who faced a massive outbreak of the prion disease Kuru that led them to mostly abandon the practice. Studies into Homo antecessor’s cannibalism hinted that the early humans ate other humans – both other species of human and other antecessors – for extra nutrition. The team showed that cannibal practices likely continued into Neanderthals, a mere 12,000 years ago.

With so many stories of zombies and the undead from ancient times to now, it is possible that cannibalism in earliest humans led to the haunting, visceral fear we seem to have now. Joseph Campbell thought that our collective history led to similarities in narratives across cultures, like the Hero’s Journey, so zombies could follow that pattern.

And it does insinuate that there is a Zombiepocalypse happening now. With so many reports from news sources about cannibals, could we be seeing the Zombie Apocalypse happening now, without disease as the transmitter?

DRINK YOUR BRAINS

Delicious Brains Platter

If you’re not interested in eating brains prior to becoming a zombie, you may be able to find an acceptable substitute – alcohol!

There’s a disturbing but awesome shot called the Bloody Brains Shooter, and there’s a couple of different recipes for it.

Variation One:

1 1/4 oz. strawberry vodka

1/8 oz. Rose’s lime juice

3/4 oz. Bailey’s Irish Cream

Splash of grenadine

brainsChill vodka for better smoothness. Add vodka and lime juice to a shaker, shake and strain into a shot glass. Using a straw, dip some Bailey’s Irish Cream into the shot. Once you submerge the straw into the Bailey’s put your finger on top of the straw to hold the Bailey’s in the straw. Dip the straw tip into the vodka and slowly release your top finger. The Bailey’s will curdle a little bit due to the lime juice and you should be able to make strands of Bailey’s.

Repeat the straw/Bailey’s process to build a “brain” in the shot glass. Add a splash of grenadine to the concoction to add the ‘blood’ to the mix. Down the hatch as a shot.

Variation Two:

In shot glass, pour peach schnapps 3/4 of the way; pour irish cream on top (do not layer let it pour straight), add three drops of grenadine – the result looks like a Bloody Brain!

Here’s a video showing off the process: